Tuesday, January 11, 2011


I am unbelievably depressed and not that I'm just bummbed out depressed but legitimate shut yourself of from society, don't eat, don't sleep depressed. I just found that I wasn't chosen for the CLS scholarship to study Japanese in Japan. No I'm not a weeboo or some loner obssed with anime and all things japanese (I just found out manga and anime are two different things). See before gyaru and doramas their was something else. Since I was six I've wanted to learn to speak Japanese. I had no plan for my life until last month. I was just a uni student with no hopes or aspirations. The only constant in my life and reason for even being in Uni was Japanese. I've always had thing for words and culture. By culture I mean traditional culture not pop culture. I'm facinated by dead languages, orgins of words, art, music etc. When I was six we had an art project that involved kanji and other than heiroglyphics I found it to be one of the most beautiful writing systems I had ever seen. The dedication it must take to learn each one....I had some many run in with the Japanese language and culture throught my short 21 years that I figured it was destined to be. I never even thought of going to Japan until about a year ago. But after hearing kids tak about how they've been 3,4,5 times and no matter how hard I try, how many scholarships I find, how many path and roads to get their I walk I just always fall short. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work so damn hard for it, since when was passion, drive, dedication,and hard work not good enough? Now I bet a shit ton of nonchalant "yeah this is my third trip, watevers" are going to go. I'm more the type to be happy for others but this is one time where I deserve to be selfish and focus on me and how I feel for once. This will be the roughest semester by far......I have just burned myself out and don't even care anymore.